A Letter From Ridgewell

I have managed to get my hands on this and thought you’d be interested.

Russ 😉

Dear Chris,

First of all, sorry I couldn’t stick around, but you know how it is. I knew David Murphy was ahead of me in the pecking order, and I didn’t fancy warming the bench any more. I’m a Carling Cup Winner, you know!

Secondly, I wanted to thank you for allowing me to run up and down the touchline after my transfer request, it helped with the humility levels as some of the fans seemed to want to remind me how lucky I am, being a professional footballer.

Thirdly, did you ever get the physio’s report, for the injury I was carrying, I don’t seem to be able to find it anywhere, so I’m still not sure why I couldn’t play until I was ‘firmly in the shop window’?? Was that protecting me for the sake of my career, or was it a tactical ‘resting’ to keep me sharp for the FA Cup?

Thanks for the wonderful advice on being a good all round defender. I was too reluctant to bomb forward, I see the sense in it, now, but Big Eck had always told me to hold back…”just in case, wee laddie,” he said. I thought it was just you that disagreed with him, but it turns out the whole of the Hawthorns’ coaching staff said he was wrong too. And me mom.

I can’t begin to describe the ecstasy of being able to watch Premier League football again, from the bench. How did you say I was best to avoid scoring own goals, again? Something to do with keeping my back to goal? How did the song go again, was it ‘Kick it Liam, kick it out, if in doubt kick it out, let it roll, let it roll, not towards our own goal…’? The coaches said it may help if they have it on CD.

Mr Hodgson said he still hasn’t figured out what position I should come off the bench to play in, full back or centre half? I asked Woger Johnson (sorry, Woy’s habits are wubbing off on me) for his advice, and he said something like, “six eggs on one and half a dozen in the other basket”. I think that meant I was great in both positions, though – in all fairness – Woger still said he was annoyed at me for not leaving when he did. He said the fans didn’t understand his need for extra cash, especially when I was so willing to stick it out for an extra day.

Apologies for the ‘last day of the transfer window’ request. Truth is, I’d written it when Alex McLeish took charge, but it must have been lying around Wast Hills until David Murphy found it. He reckons he didn’t know what was inside when he passed it to you, but no harm done!

There’s a fella here who looks JUST like Ben Foster, he may well be related to him, cos he’s a goalkeeper too, and – to confirm it – he has ‘FOSTER’ on his back, too. Small world, innit?

I was texting Chucho the other night, cos I wanted to know how he managed to get ‘Chucho’ on his shirt, even though his name was ‘Christian’ or ‘Benitez’. He said you just have to write a nice letter to Sepp Blatter, so I’ll be doing that. Look out for me on the bench against Wolves on Saturday, I’ll have ‘AGENT’ on my back. What a cool nickname!

I’ve even managed to hook up with Paul Scharner, which has been a burning ambition since I tried to persuade him to come to St Andrews. Strangely he didn’t seem too convinced at the time. He said he’d rather work with Chris, now, cos Mr Hodgson keeps telling him he’s pronouncing ‘Woy’ wrong. Bizarre! I’m not taking it personally, though he does keep going missing whenever I want to find him in the gym.

We’re six points clear of the drop zone, so I reckon it’s about time I sat down with the Press to discuss my pending England career, and Top Ten Premier League target for the Baggies….

Hopefully I’ll get to see you very soon, Chris. Perhaps to pick up a Player of the Season award? My fiancee says she won’t marry me if I can’t win one. She already called one wedding off when I got Blues relegated.

Liam

PS – Can you forward my travel sickness tablets as soon as possible? I thought the ‘Boinging’ of the Baggies fans was making me feel nauseous. Turns out it’s just the stripy shirts, the altitude of the Hawthorns, mixed with a general unease about the fans, and the instructions to ‘get forward’ in training. I’m sure the tablets will sort it all out!!